Secrets of the Past
by Moment For Life
Summary: Everyone has a past but the secret which Jack Dawson kept was one which killed him everyday. As Jack and Rose settle into married life, will he be able to reveal his demons? One-shot.


**November 1912**

**"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real." **

The rain battered against the windows this particular Saturday morning. A volt of lightening flashed across the sky followed by a grumble of thunder ten seconds later. But it wasn't the weather which had caused eighteen year old Rose Dawson to stir. It was her husband.

His forehead was dripping with sweat as his head rolled from side to side against the pillow. The lightening lit up their room and she saw his lips softly part and a distressed moan came loudly. This was the third night.

She sat up in bed feeling the chill of her body exposed to the coldness. She reached to the bedside cabinet for a sip of water. The fire in the hearth gas gone out and she mentally cursed for forgetting to mend it before bed.

''No.'' Jack whimpered. She placed the glass back on the bedside table. ''Sir, I didn't mean to-'' His body stiffened, his hands curling into fists as his grabbed at the blanket.

Rose watched him struggle. She placed her cool hand on his head hoping it would bring him around from his bad dream. His body jolted, his pelvis thrust upright. Seconds later, his eyes sprang open.

The first thing he saw was Rose as the lightening flashed once again. Dazed, he felt as though he was still asleep. Darkness fell over the room as thunder rattled the sky. He relaxed.

''Are you all right darling?''

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat as he ignored the throb of his head and the pain in his heart.

''Yes.'' He wrapped one arm under her neck and the other around her body. He held her so tightly to his body.

''Never let go of me.'' He whispered kissing her hair.

''Never.'' She entwined her fingers with his and kissed his hand.

Within minutes, he drifted into a more peaceful sleep. More peaceful than he'd had in weeks. Rose listened to his breathing. Her ears seemed to tune into the sounds all around her. She could hear the cold ash settling in the fire place. The creak of their wooden gate outside which swayed in the wind, the rain as it pattered against the window so peacefully and then it would thrash.

Her hand loosened from Jack's but she didn't fully let ho. She knew not to. This was the only time his dreams were kept at bay.

She thought back over the seven months she had known him. Even after surviving the sinking of the Titanic, Jack had continued to worship her. The first thing they had done in New York once they had saved enough money was marry after just six weeks of meeting. But they were in love, they knew that. She had worn daisies in her hair, a simple white dress with a pale pink shawl. A pink Rose had been her bouquet and a simple gold band sat on her fourth finger. One single photo had been taken out side of the church where she had become his wife. It sat on their mantelpiece proudly.

She felt the sudden urge to see the photo. To be taken back to a time when they were just beginning to know each other. It was a simple time. They had knuckled down hard, taking any job they could work to buy their own place and to give themselves a good start in their new life. They planned to travel but for now they wanted to lay low for a while and safe as much money as they could.

She unwrapped Jack's hand from around hers. She didn't disturb him for he was a heavy sleeper. He seemed peaceful. She sighed as she shrugged from his grip and pulled back the bedcovers. As she stood her lace nightgown fell to the floor in its full length and she felt the chill. She trod around the floor for her slippers and stepped into them when she found them. She checked once more that Jack was asleep before making her way out of their bedroom.

The stairs creaked and she tiptoed carefully. The lightening was bright enough for her to make her way in the dark into living room with adjoined small kitchen. It was warmer in there from the fire. She found the kettle still contained water from their tea earlier and she placed it on the stove to boil. As it did, she found her way in the way to the picture which sat on their mantelpiece of their wedding day. She picked the large rectangular glass frame in her hand. She touched the faces of them both. It felt as though it was so long ago. A pang at the bottom of her stomach ached and she felt the guilt from leaving Jack alone. He was a grown man. She reminded herself. This nightmare which he had stemmed from something.

She sighed as she placed the picture back on the mantelpiece. She lit a small lamp in the kitchen so she could see as she made herself a small cup of tea. Her thoughts were her own. It had taken her several months to perfect the art of living without full time help. Jack had been great and so had the old lady two doors down who she had befriended but she had spent hours at the market, picking out fresh produce and second hand cookery books so that she could become the perfect wife for Jack. They had mapped everything they had wanted right out on the table, they wanted to live in New York City to celebrate their first Christmas together in a house. They planned small gifts, a turkey and plenty of port. The first few months would be spent hard grafting. After the New Year, once they had saved enough money they would head out West to find work and spend the summer out there.

They had come together with the same dreams. They seemed to complete each other, their minds both in the same place at the same time. Her heart filled with love when she thought of him. He had completely turned her life around in every way and for that she would be eternally grateful for the lessons which he had taught her, the memories ingrained in her mind and the way of life she now lived.

Her life before him had been very empty and she spoke it of frequently when he asked of such things. When she asked him a question or two about his life prior to his trip to Europe, he seemed to hesitate.

Rose took a sip of the warm tea. It soothed her a little. She hated the storm and hoped it would be over with soon. She settled herself on the sofa, her mind lost in thoughts of Jack once again.

Then the door creaked open. She craned her neck to see Jack stood in just his underwear.

''Oh Jack.''

She jumped up placing her tea on the table. She grabbed a blanket from the arm chair and placed it over his body.

''I wondered where you had gone.'' His voice was hoarse.

''I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep.''

She led him to the sofa where he wrapped himself in the blanket. His eyes were lined with unshed tears. ''Jack, are you going to tell me what happens in these dreams of yours?''

He sniffed, wiping his face quickly. He moved his hair away from his face. ''Rose, I cant.''

''Remember when we married Jack? You said we would share everything.'' She told him softly but firmly.

His eyes found hers in the dim light. He was afraid even though he found nothing but trust in her eyes. Could he share such a secret with her?

"Oh, Rose. What have I done to deserve you loving me?'' Tears appeared in Rose's eyes and she squeezed them shut. Jack came towards her and touched her face gently with his right hand.

"Tell me, Jack…" Rose wanted to know everything. "Tell me what you have to tell me. I need to know.'' Their foreheads touched as she whispered the words to him.

Inhaling a deep breath, Jack didn't know where to start, but he had to tell her everything. "Rose…I…after I have told you this…you may want me to leave, to never see you again." The thought of it twisted like a knife into both Jack and Rose's hearts, and Jack's grip on Rose's hand tightened.

"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, looking into his eyes so he knew she was speaking the truth.

He leant forward. His hand was clammy. The words would not roll from his tongue. He squeezed his eyes closed. His mind taking him back to the summer of 1909.

''I was fifteen.'' He placed his head in his hands. ''My folks had died days before and I had attended the wake. I just needed to do something with my grief stricken life, it was almost too much for me to bear.'' He felt the lump rise in his throat.

''Jack…'' She touched his face, giving him the strength to go on.

''I had never even driven a car…but I stole one from a neighbour…''

_Jack found a nearby car, so old it had to be wound up. He yanked the cover up, turning it until he could drive off. He climbed in through the window, started the vehicle and tried to fathom out how it worked. He tucked his hair behind his ear, determination shining in his eyes. _

_It was past nightfall. His eyes were blurred from the tears which he had shed all afternoon. His parents were gone. He was an orphan. He was alone in the world. He slammed his fists against the steering wheel allowing the anger to seep out. With pure determination, he started the engine. _

_**He would leave town.**_

_By the end of the day everybody would forget that the Dawson's ever lived in town. He steered as best he could navigating his way down the narrow streets which it seemed were only meant for horse drawn carriages. His vision blurred, tears would not stop falling. He could see his parents so clearly. They were so happy. Now their lives had been claimed so cruelly and so young leaving him alone._

_They wanted him to go to art college in Eau Claire, they had saved up so much money for it just to be burnt to the ground. It should have been him instead. The anger which burnt inside him was terrible._

_He passed the church where his parents had married, where he had christened and where one day he had once imagined marrying a farmers daughter, christening their five children and then giving away his daughters at their own wedding. It was the House of God. The same God who had ripped his parents so cruelly from his grip. Without warning. Who had turned their bodies to ashes. His house to ashes._

_Everything was __**gone.**_

''I had wanted to end my life right there and then but fate decided I wasn't the one who would be took.''

_As soon as he had passed the church. His vision was far too blurry. The street lamps were not as bright. He felt a sense of danger but seconds later, a man appeared from nowhere on the empty road before him. He tried as hard as he could to stop, to break and to stop the vehicle from ploughing into him but it was beyond his control yet again. He was a young man, about twenty._

_Jack still couldn't stop the car and it was a quarter of a mile up the road before he managed to control it. But it was too late…_

''He died right there.'' Jack tried to control his breathing.

Rose felt the tear roll down her cheeks. She didn't let go of Jack's hand. She daren't.

''I later found out that he was the father of a two year old girl and the wife of a nineteen year old woman. He had a family. I took that away from them.'' He placed his head in his hands. ''I made that poor girl a widow.''

Rose tried to comfort him in the best possible way but she didn't even know how to. She had no idea of the dark past which Jack had kept buried for so long.

''I faced the girl who's father I took. She was crying and she looked at me with these huge eyes and I touched her face. Her face will stick with me for the rest of my life.''

''Oh Jack…''

''The wife…I wrote a letter of apology.'' He wiped his tears with his left hand. ''She never replied. I am glad she didn't.''

''What happened after that?''

''A fault was found with the vehicle. It was too dangerous to be driven.'' He sighed. ''The breaks were to fault and it was ruled as accidental. The case never went to court.''

Rose finally understood her husbands nightmare. ''So you left town? The grief stayed with you?''

Jack nodded. ''I promised myself not to think of it again. That part of me was gone. I drank myself to sleep, trying to make a life for myself and put on this brave face…then I met you.''

Rose felt a tear come down her face. ''You have to fight these fears Jack. Yes, you made a mistake but you cannot punish yourself forever.''

''I was an empty shell until I met you.'' He shivered as Rose covered him with the blanket. ''You gave me hope to go on with a new life.''

Rose took both of his hands in hers. ''We both have demons yet you try to remain so strong for the both of us. I am strong enough too.''

''You…are…'' He touched her face, overwhelmed with love for her.

''I am your wife, Jack and I love you.''

''You love me despite my past?''

''Always.'' She kissed his cheek. ''Maybe you need to face these demons. To lie the past to rest for good. You cannot go on living like this Jack.''

''I would like to see my parents graves. The grave of the man whose life I took.''

''Then we shall go.''

The next day, the left for Chippewa Falls.


End file.
